by Bijesh Krishnadas
[box]Relationships need to evolve because the people in it change, says Bijesh Krishnadas. The easiest way to keep relationships sustainable and fresh is solitude and introspection. Read on. [/box]It’s not easy to find that special someone who makes you feel comfortable, one you can spend your life with. Once you do find the right person, it is quite a sad truth that it doesn’t take much to wreck the relationship, but it requires lot of hard work to keep it in shape. A clichéd but true saying goes – ‘You have to work at a relationship.’
When you have spent a long time being with someone, some things get taken for granted and the relationship tends to look like a routine that goes on like clockwork. There is a sense of security in a long term relationship and this lends itself to complacency. Each one is satisfied that there’s a feeling of mutual understanding with the other and any crisis could be preempted. However, this complacency can degenerate into ennui any time and the next jolt or crisis could trigger the eventual breakdown of a relationship.and the next jolt or crisis could trigger the eventual breakdown of a relationship.
A relationship is not just about being in it. It is not a static, inanimate thing. Relationships have the need to be dynamic and refreshing for them to be sustainable. A relationship contains two distinct individuals. No matter how similar they are in their tastes and opinions, they are still distinct in certain ways. There is nothing more difficult than a man and a woman remaining in balance all the time. In fact, the inherent polarity between two people only adds to the difficulty. When left unattended, the polarity gets its chance to build up, ultimately even causing a rift.
Coming to think of it, why should the relationship remain unchanged when clearly the individuals and their states change almost continuously? Shouldn’t the relationship then evolve to compensate for the change in the individuals in them? Even more importantly, how does a relationship actually evolve? According to me, it should all start with the core component of the relationship – the people in it. It’s a bit of a chicken-and-egg problem here. The relationship needs to evolve because the people in it evolve and the people become the catalyst for the relationship to evolve. This is also a good thing because the catalysts are already evolving and there is lesser inertia to overcome.
Since a relationship is essentially an understanding between individuals, its evolution is simply a way to keep the equation in balance. If one person’s expectation from the relationship changes, a possible way forward would be for the other person to fulfill the expectation. Another would be for the expectation itself to be reviewed and changed if necessary. The difficulty here is that every step forward can have many possible directions and this is where the hard work comes in – choosing the right path. This is also what makes or breaks a relationship. It doesn’t help that the results may not beimmediately apparent. It could be years before the flaw of a decision rears its head.
Every once in a while, one needs to walk down the road of solitude to introspect and retrospect. Taking time off a relationship could perhaps be the best thing to happen. ‘Time off’ is open to interpretation. For some, it could merely mean a few hours away, listening to his or her favourite music, it could mean a few days away with friends or if the situation demands it, taking a few weeks off the relationship and spending time away. The time you spend alone lets you evaluate yourself and make sense of what you feel about your partner and yourself, as well as get clarity on what you want. Once you relearn yourself, you will perhaps see what more can go into your relationship or know what you can expect from it. After this, it is just a matter of talking it out and working it in. It is, of course, as important a step as any, to discuss what each of you have learnt, with one another. Any change should be acknowledged and understood by both for the change to have any effect.
In a nutshell, it is really important to keep a relationship fresh and that needs work. There are many ways to do this but the easiest place to start is with oneself.
Picture : Bijesh Krishnadas
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