by Philip John
“Ms. George, welcome to The Last Goodbye. I’m Rita and I’m a life services linguist. How may I help you?”
“Hi. I could use help with my suicide note.”
“Sure, Ms. George, I can assist you with self-termination copy. May I ask if this is entirely your decision?
“Yes. I am not under coercion.”
“OK. Have you been under any medication recently, ma’am?”
“Just pain killers.”
“Ok ma’am. I’ll need to ask you a few questions to make sure your mind is sound. Can you tell us the day, the date, the time and the year?”
“It’s Saturday, the 15th day of June. It’s two thirty in the afternoon. The year is 2023.”
“Who is the prime minister of our country, ma’am?”
“Our country is under emergency rule.”
“What did you have for lunch, ma’am?”
“I had pizza for lunch. With a glass of juice.”
“Are you in a state of despair, ma’am?”
“Isn’t everyone in some degree of despair?”
“I’m sorry ma’am but I’m going to need a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answer to that question without which I cannot assist you.”
“Alright, I’m not in a state of despair.”
“Are you sure, ma’am?”
“Yes. Definitely not in despair.”
“Then what is stopping you from writing your own self termination copy, ma’am?”
“I have a lot of things to take care of before I go. A clear, self-respecting suicide note that doesn’t hurt anyone takes time. I could use help.”
“OK. Everything you’ve said and will continue to say from here on can be used against you in a court of law. This call is being recorded to help us serve our clients better.”
“I understand completely.”
“We can now proceed to drafting. Would you prefer a hard copy note or an e-mail?
“E-mail.”
“Ok ma’am, we encourage you to e-mail it from your personal id to a close family member. This provides authentication should the need arise. We have two broad categories: close-ended notes that specify the reasons for self termination and open-ended notes that don’t. Which would you like?”
“Oh close-ended of course. I’m all for ambiguity in fiction. But this is different.”
“Right. Do you want to use a template or would you like a custom letter? We have a new category called Celebrity. You can model your note on real self-termination copy written by a celebrity.”
“Oh, ok. Ah, I don’t know. Would you have Virginia Woolf’s suicide note to her husband?”
“Can you state her occupation?”
“She was a writer.”
“One moment, ma’am. Yes, we do. Would you like me to email it to you? Do you have access to your laptop or tablet?”
“Yes.”
“We’ve e-mailed Virginia Woolf’s note to you, ma’am. You should receive it shortly. This is your third call to The Last Goodbye. In case you renege this time, we will be charging you a processing fee of 1000 notes. The details of how to make the payment will come to you via your personal email id. This is just to help The Last Goodbye continue to profitably do its job which is to help people say goodbye with clarity and dignity in a world where you have the right to choose ending over mending.”
“Brave new world. Yes, I’ve got your email.”
“Alright, ma’am. I will wait for your briefing. I will let you read the note now.”
From: thelastgoodbye@gmail.com
To: selinageorge@gmail.com
Subject: SR00345 | e-mail | close ended | Virginia Woolf
Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier ’til this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that—everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been. V.
“It’s a beautiful note.”
“Would you like to adapt it?”
“The writing is somehow dark and nimble at once.”
“Are those the values you would like your note to carry?”
“I wonder if it’s the kind of note Mrs. Dalloway might have written if she was in just as debilitating a state as I am in now. Have you read Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf?”
“I’ve seen the film.”
“It’s about a woman who’s preparing to host an evening party. Then her mind wanders.”
“Right, ma’am.”
“There’s this Christmas party tonight at our place. My husband’s invited some friends over. I’m dreading it. I used to be a delightful mad hatter when we had guests. Of course after the accident, I’ve been more of a female Frankenstein lying in bed, waiting for my feed. Hah.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am.”
“But I digress. Alright, then! I like Woolf’s note. Can you adapt it to convey my personal reasons for the suicide which are freedom from this irrevocable physical condition and also freedom for my husband so he may channel his money and his spirit into more significant tasks like his writing?”
“I will work with those parameters and get back to you in a minute.”
“You know I never really liked Mrs. Dalloway. I found it overwrought. But something tells me it’ll be different this time around. I think there was a copy in the bedside drawer. Ah, here it is. Oh, that’s a pretty edition! Michael got me this when I was going through what he calls my Mad Woman period.”
“I’ve adapted the note and mailed it to you, ma’am. Do you have access to your laptop?”
“That was quicker than usual. Yes, I do and your mail is here.”
“I’ll wait for your feedback, ma’am.”
“Thank you, dear.”
From: thelastgoodbye@gmail.com
To: selinageorge@gmail.com
Subject: SR00345 | e-mail | close ended | Virginia Woolf
Dearest, I have come to the decision that I do not want to go on living. You once told me life is a gift bestowed upon us. But ever since the accident, my life has turned into a nightmare from which I can’t awake and never will. Since I did not ask anyone to bestow this ‘gift’ upon me, I owe it to myself to examine my life and to renounce it if I find it unfavorable… which is what I am doing. Do not begrudge me this decision. We both know you are far better off without my physical condition to drain your finances and your spirit, which really must be channeled into writing. Take care and write that book, my dear. I hope to read it in another world. You have given me everything and I am eternally grateful. S.
“It’s beautiful. And very precise.”
“Thank you, ma’am. Is this good to go?”
“Yes. You’re sure it doesn’t sound helpless or bitter?”
“We’ve taken care of that. May I add that your acceptance of words like ‘begrudge’ and phrases like ‘examine my life’ not only reveal an advanced mind but also indicate that your cognitive functions are at their peak as we speak, a sign that this letter is the product of a sound mind.”
“That’s good to hear. I suppose I have The Book People to thank for that.”
“The Book People ma’am?”
“Ah, they’re a community of people that still buys books. I mean hard copies. I joined them two years ago but dropped out after the accident. The only thing we used to enjoy as much as reading was finding someone to discuss the book with. It changed the way I think. Maybe I should re-read Dalloway and we should discuss it. But it won’t be fun doing it lying in bed like this.”
“I’m sorry to hear that. May we proceed to billing?”
“Mrs. Dalloway decided to buy the flowers herself.”
“Could you repeat that please?”
“Sorry. I was reading aloud from Mrs. Dalloway.”
“Alright, ma’am.”
“I didn’t like it the first time. But something tells me it’ll be different this time around.”
“Would you like an extension, ma’am?”
“Have you ever had a book speak to you? It hasn’t happened to me in ages. But when it happens, my blood does a little back flip. Can you understand that? I think I will go for an extension after all. Send me the processing fee details. Consider it an advance. And I’ll call you in a week.”
“Sure, ma’am. It’s a nice day. Enjoy the book. And we’ll wait for your call next week?”
“It is a nice day, isn’t it? Oh, I really think it’ll be different this time around.
Pic: http://www.flickr.com/photos/cdrummbks/ under CC license
Philip John is currently a marketing executive with a consulting firm. His passions include literary fiction, jazz, movies, vintage art, comics, poetry and twentieth century American culture. Writers he admires include Michael Ondaatje, Philip Roth, George Orwell and J M Coetzee. Philip lives and writes in Bangalore.
Philip attended the Bangalore Writers Workshop, an interactive method of bringing a group of writers together and allowing them to study the craft of writing while receiving constructive feedback on their own work.
Good one, Philip! May even happen one day. Love the “And we’ll wait for your call next week” at the end. 🙂
Thank you Arun. Good to hear from you after ages.