Nuggets of Hope

by Anupama Krishnakumar

Anupama Krishnakumar writes small notes on how her life has changed in the wake of the pandemic and how she gets by each day with nuggets of hope infused into her life through instances that are part of her days now.

CHAOS, ROUTINE AND THE MIND

Over the past two months, I feel like I have been caught in some whirlwind of sorts. Life has been all about finding some order within the chaos around me. My routine that used to be sweetly monotonous and comforting has now gone topsy-turvy. And in all the chaos, getting my mind to think in an orderly fashion has been difficult. My mind just jumps from one thing to another, overwhelmed as I am by the multitude of responsibilities that I have had to suddenly take over. Focus has been a great challenge especially when one multitasks in ways not known before. Sample this: I have been mulling over this piece that you are reading, for about a week now, and I have been framing my thoughts, trying hard to organise them into meaningful sentences and segments, while doing other things – like scrubbing a pan hard, atop a heap of vessels staring menacingly at me from my kitchen sink.

I am also discovering how volatile one’s mind can get. I tried to put together a headline for this piece while peeling onions and dicing them for lunch one of these days. I bumped into a nice headline in an epiphany of sorts. But sadly, that’s all that I remember of it – that it was a nice headline. The words seem to have just evaporated from my mind, and however hard I try to squeeze them out, my memory fails. The headline seems to have vanished! And I have been left with no choice but to come up with a new one.

HOPE AND MEMORIES

Losing track of ideas and vanishing words are a writer’s nightmare. It fills me with dread. It’s one of the things that has derailed my optimism in these tough times. Interestingly though, despite these flashes of forgetfulness, my nostalgia has been rather upbeat. It’s fascinating how I have felt a gush of memories in the last few weeks. I have been drifting often into the past that seems quite distant now and rummaging through a vault of memories. These memories, especially of childhood, are like a soothing lullaby for me; not that there were no problems back then, and all was hunky-dory; yet, personally, they are a reminder of how simple things can bring joy, of how in the end, things may just end up being fine. As I go back to these memories, I sway gently in their hold, feeling secure, and filled with a sense of hope I felt as a child about the future.  

HOPE AND MUSIC

One of the keys to unlocking this treasure trove of nostalgia has been music. I listen to music when I cook, clean, write and hang clothes out to dry. Music from the 80s and 90s pervades my day. Listening to Illayaraja from the 80s, Rahman from the 90s and Bollywood hits from the 80s and 90s fill me with a feeling of goodness that it’s all going to be alright soon. I love how these memorable songs have made me feel hopeful.

HOPE AND BOOKS

If music dominates a significant part of my existence, so does reading. One of my biggest regrets in these changed times is that I haven’t been able to read enough. Very few experiences can come close to the comfort of letting yourself get lost inside the pages of a good book. So, difficult though it has been, I have ensured that I don’t miss out on this delightful engagement with the written word; and like how we usually tend to reserve the best for the last, I curl up with a book at the end of a long day. Just caressing the cover of a print book or flipping through the pages of a Kindle e-book has been so uplifting. It’s hard to explain why certain things fill you with big measures of hope, but they do. And my books are one of them!

HOPE AND THE WORLD AROUND

As I lie cocooned in the comfort of my home, the apartment complex that I live in has been diligently following the guidelines listed for every phase of the lockdown. As any healthy society ought to be like, there have been debates about decisions that need to be taken for the complex. As we step into the third phase of the lockdown, some people with a cautiously optimistic attitude have advocated the notion that we need to move on with life by setting a new normal and having standard safety measures in place. These folks have put a smile on my face. They give me the hope that we will create a responsible future as a community.

HOPE AND MY FAMILY

Speaking of my own little world, my family, this lockdown has seen me and my husband cook together after ages. We have been acknowledging each other’s efforts – I pat him on the back for his well-made rotis, something that I haven’t been able to master yet. And when he shares his appreciation for a sweet or pickle that I make, I can’t deny the flutter of joy inside my heart that gives rise to hope for a better future together – a future filled with mutual appreciation.

One of the startling realisations I have had during this time is that my twelve-year-old son is not a little boy anymore. His maturity stuns me as much as it makes me proud. Sometimes, late into the night, we sit next to each other speaking of the mysterious and fascinating ways of our universe – its origins, the baffling unknowns – and we wonder about the magnificence of it all and derive strength from the will of our beautiful planet that has overcome countless mishaps to be a place where life thrives. Then reflecting upon today’s crisis, we tell each other with hope, ‘Even this will pass…’

And how can I miss this one person who packs hope into the most heartfelt hugs? My seven-year-old daughter. She gives them to me endlessly and I draw so much positivity from her gesture. Her vivacity is what keeps our home going amidst all the chaos. A few days ago, she said, ‘Amma, I want coronavirus to go away tomorrow. I want to start my girl gang soon!’ In her enthusiasm, she went on to make a sketch of a magic wand, a logo of sorts for her “gang” – a piece of art that she has been flaunting proudly.  Every time I see it, I become a child again, a child who fervently hopes that another little girl’s wand of hope unleashes magic soon! And then I can’t help but think how true it is that it is these little things that keep one going in the strangest of times!

Anupama Krishnakumar is an engineer-turned-journalist. She co-edits Spark and is also the author of two books, ‘Fragments of the Whole’, a flash fiction collection and ‘Ways Around Grief & Other Stories’, a short-story collection. Her website is www.anupamakrishnakumar.com.