by Anupama Krishnakumar
Each year brings with it experiences that spawn new hopes, exciting opportunities and tough challenges. In the end, I believe, we emerge a little wiser and a little stronger. When I look back at 2013, I would say that I saw it all.
The Joys of Being Busy
The first half of 2013 was literally the period of the baby bump. There was a lot to look forward to as the year began. We were getting ready to welcome another member into the family. Things this time, however, were markedly different from the first pregnancy. I quite didn’t have the same relaxed phase I had back then. This time around, clinging to me, was a young one – my son, with large anxious eyes, waiting to be attended to, to be taken care of, to be dropped at school, fed, nurtured, taught and loved.
Little did I realise that the second pregnancy could be as hectic. I remember being as busy as a bee – running around, getting the house going and of course managing Spark. This, I believe, was indeed a blessing in disguise, for, an idle mind, especially under such circumstances, could be the perfect breeding ground for all types of anxieties to take the mind under siege. And so there I was, spinning around, literally like a top, writing, editing and designing, doing up models and charts for school projects, cooking away, walking diligently and attending birthday parties! I really discovered the joy of being busy and saw time tick away second by second and vanish before my eyes!
Stealing the quieter moments
But what happened during those quieter moments? In the afternoons? I had conversations – conversations with the little one, as she kicked and turned and floated around inside. Conversations. Real ones. Telling her of the world she would come into. Of my anxieties. Of my deadlines. She was the listener who never spoke yet reassured me with her kicks, telling me that she was right there, waiting to come and be with me.
The nights, though, were different. It was as if confidence and optimism disappeared when the light of the day faded away; and synonymous with darkness, strange fears kicked themselves into action. I would toss and turn, worrying about nothing in particular, worrying all the same and wake up with a disturbing grogginess that would eventually fritter away as the day bloomed in full glory.
The Daughter that I wanted
Here is a small confession: I really didn’t know how desperately I needed a daughter till that moment I first held her in my arms. I seriously didn’t know. To all those who threw at me the same question when I met them, “do you want a daughter or a son?” I just shrugged and replied – Son or daughter, it doesn’t matter, all I want is a healthy child. Yes, I said that; but when she arrived and I learnt that I had given birth to a daughter, I let out a cry of joy, unbelievably tired though I was.
Lying there, minutes after delivering, I dreamt of how much I could shop for clothes and accessories now! I dreamt of so many things we would do together! And as months have passed, it’s hard to put in words, the oneness I feel with her when she spreads her arms, crying and cooing for me to pick her up and hold her tight, when she smiles a toothless smile of recognition that sends me into a dizzying state of happiness and when she wraps her tiny fingers around mine as she falls asleep securely in my arms. I see so much of myself in her in some inexplicable way and I let out a sigh when I think how much this precious little one has altered the emotional boundaries of my life.
Life isn’t without challenges
We have all heard it enough but at times, life still has the knack to throw some very rough ones at us that we are thrown off balance. Everything around us crumbles. Just like what happened when my six-year-old son suffered an elbow dislocation and fracture when he tripped and fell at home, two weeks after my daughter was born. What made it worse was the fact that the whole incident was such a freak accident. The little boy had to undergo a surgery while I was at home, nursing my two-week-old daughter, unable to be by my son’s side when he needed me the most. These were probably the worst moments of my life – the helplessness was unbearable, it ripped me apart and there wasn’t a single moment in those two days that he was in the hospital that I hadn’t shed tears. I was heartbroken. I wept as my husband described what our son was going through there as he waited outside the OT. I wept when my tired boy (still under the effect of anaesthesia) asked me if I could come over and be with him during the night at least. I learnt that it’s such a terrible thing to see your children suffer and even worse when you can’t do anything about it.
Goose-bump moments
But as they say we learn to move on. And so we did. Since he had an injury in the right hand, he couldn’t write for six weeks. And that’s when I encountered something that gave me the goose-bumps. My son showed me what determination is when he mastered writing with his left hand in a matter of five days and matched the handwriting that he would produce with his right hand. All this because he hated sitting simply in class and watching others write! The physiotherapy sessions were gruelling and unnerving for him but he persisted, struggling (for the lack of a better word) to get his right hand back in action. And how! My heart sank seeing him struggle and move his hand back and forth to ease the elbow. He howled and cried and ground his teeth but finally did it! Yes! His amazing mental strength taught me so much about how not to give up on anything and how one should actually push the boundaries to get where we want to. He was thrilled to bits seeing his hand back in shape. I shivered with pride when, a few days later, he drew at the school art competition with his right hand and came back with the prize for the best entry. Goose-bump moments.
For the hectic year that 2013 eventually turned out to be, we just had the perfect vacation to conclude the year, visiting my parents. There I was, in the house that I grew up in as a child, with both my children. It was such a special feeling, a rare experience. I also visited the small temple that I would run to often as a child and sat with both my little ones in the same place inside the temple where I would sit down as a kid. There was something extremely poignant about doing that and something very dream-like. It didn’t feel real yet it was. It was unbelievable. Mind blowing. History, it seemed, was repeating itself. Goose-bump moments.
Looking Ahead – Reconnecting with Friends
It’s not like I have literally been out of touch with my friends. But then, I haven’t been greatly in touch either. This New Year, I was simply amazed to see so many of my friends taking a conscious effort to get back into the connecting mode. This is something I hadn’t seen in the last few years. This time, I ended up chatting/talking with a few good old friends and what a wonderful thing it was to do. It really lightened me up so much that I, for a brief while, moved out of the family woman mode. Not exactly owing to the sort of discussions we had – we weren’t talking shared memories from college days. We did end up discussing children, work, vaccines, sleeping routines and how life had dramatically changed over the years from when we were teenagers to thirty-somethings. We ended up passing hi’s and hello’s to our better halves. But what really made the difference was the realisation that we were still together because of our shared experiences, no matter how geographically apart destiny had placed us. These are my friends over the last fifteen years or more and forged at a time when we were raring to go and burst into the world with such effervescence and optimism. College friendships – my closest ones. These, at least for me, are relationships that I had formed for a lifetime. This year, I am keen on staying connected with them as much as possible.
Spark
It is always good to not focus our energy on just one aspect of our lives. And that applies to children or work or anything that takes up a significant share of your time. For me, Spark is that alternate handle. I wonder how 2013 would have been if Spark hadn’t been around. It was my creative respite, my much sought alternative among doctor visits and scans and bringing up my son and managing home. The bubbling stream at the end of a long walk up hill. The rainbow that brightened up my day. The journey that though was tiring midway eventually was indeed fulfilling.
This year is an important one for Spark – we complete four years of non-stop publishing and step into the fifth year. The 50th issue too is on its way. It will be published in February and will be one of the most significant moments of my life as a writer. It hasn’t been an easy task sustaining Spark, bringing it out without fail every month and that too on time every single time. But we have done it for the sheer love of what Spark was created for – the desire to connect with like-minded people and create something of literary value that can be cherished again and again in as many dimensions as possible. As always has been the case each year, the ideas to sculpt this creative effort further are aplenty. Needless to say, among the many things in life that would need my attention including my children, I earnestly look forward to keeping Spark going and making it better. If not for anything else, for the fact that it is really hard to imagine what life would be, without Spark.
Anupama Krishnakumar loves Physics and English and sort of managed to get degrees in both – studying Engineering and then Journalism. Yet, as she discovered a few years ago, it is the written word that delights her soul and so here she is, doing what she loves to do – spinning tales for her small audience and for her little son, bringing together a lovely team of creative people and spearheading Spark. She loves books, music, notebooks and colour pens and truly admires simplicity in anything! Tomatoes send her into a delightful tizzy, be it in soup or rasam or ketchup or atop a pizza!
