by Rahul Seth
The inner core of the self gets immersed deep within layers upon layers of outer-world influences. Our essential nature gets buried and we do not always remember what our true being really consists of, and what it truly resonates with. Every once in a while an experience penetrates deep within, touching and stirring that core, and giving a glimpse into such a pure sense of the self!
But which is the real self, the real me? There are so many sides to me. Which side of me do I really want to be the real me? The side that makes me come alive and with a sense of trueness and heightened awareness of who I am. Somewhere deep within it represents the most essential part of me. When awakened its existence pulsates and energizes each fibre within me. But why has this side of me become so rarely visible or experienced? So much must be wrong with my life today that my essential core has become so rare and hard to get to. Are the externalities of daily life so demanding and so damaging to this inner self that it barely has a chance to surface? And when it does surface, it reminds me that my essential self can be so sublime and exhilarating that it is tragic when I cannot experience its awareness any longer.
I believe that this awareness of my inner core is the most essential element of myself. It needs to be preserved and nurtured. It makes life worthwhile, gives it joy, and a sense of some meaning. Even if its meaning and purpose are not clear to me today, it seems significant enough to want to preserve it. But how am I going to do that? Something will always come along to yank me away back to the “reality” of daily life. This “reality show” must change. Take me away from the trappings of the material chase! Let it instead be in pursuit of that inward search. Divest the externalities, using them only to serve the outer layer, and search for only what is essential. The end is within me. The external world serves only as the means to get to it, and to facilitate its increased discovery. I think that’s where the core essence and meaning of life resides.
What awakens this pure inner core? On the path of this inner search, I must learn to recognize the experiences and influences that bring out the inner core and those that will bury it further. Some people will impact me positively, while others will have subversive effects. And some behaviour of mine will enhance the experience, while others will kill it. Do we then have a discerning criterion by which to judge the external influences in one’s life – do they serve as a conducive force to nourish the self-awareness or do they stifle it? Is this drive for self-awareness in conflict with the roles I must fulfill for my outer world? How can the two sides of me – the inner and the outer – coexist with least turmoil? How do I learn to slide in and out from one side to another as needed?
And yes, this ‘inner core’ that I talk about – what is it? Do I really need to define it? Perhaps, that’s not necessary. It’s sufficient to just know its existence and experience it than try to bind it by some limit of wordy explanation. And why would I want to ‘explain’ it? And for whom? Not for myself. I know it’s in there. I feel it within me, alive and pulsating, even if only when wakened. For now I am content to just experience within its joy. Unveiling this inner core to the outer world is really not that important, is it?
Rahul Seth returned to India after over twenty five years in the US with a career in information technology. In India, he now pursues fully his passion for theatre and literature. He aspires to be a playwright and is currently writing plays on the human predicament. He has also acted in several plays in the Washington DC area.
