Interview by Anupama Krishnakumar
[box]In an interview to Spark, Raksha Bharadia, author, talks about her book on parenting, ‘Roots and Wings’ and some important aspects of childhood and parenting in today’s world. Anupama Krishnakumar listens in.[/box] [box type=”bio”]Raksha Bharadia is the co-author of many titles in the Indian Chicken Soup Series including Chicken Soup for the Indian Soul, Teenage Soul and Romantic Soul. She has also authored ‘Me: A Handbook for Life’ and ‘Roots and Wings: A Handbook for Parents’ both published by Rupa. Raksha has also contributed many articles for Times of India, Femina and Gurlz. To know more about Raksha and her work, visit her website.[/box]What motivated you to write a handbook on parenting?
I am a parent myself and in fact was investing a lot of energy into parenting, drawing much of it from my other roles in life such as a wife, daughter, and Raksha herself. And yet there were things which were not OK, that did not strike me as right. So, it was essentially my own dissatisfaction with my parenting role that got me into trying to understand what it is about to be a good parent. That’s how it all started.
You have spoken to many popular personalities for the purpose of this book. What is it about their childhood and parenting style that appealed to you?
Actually with most of the people that I spoke to, I spoke to them not as parents but as children. So, I asked them primarily about their parents and what their parents did. That was one aspect. The second point I asked them was what they did to get where they are now. How did they come upon their own forte? What were their trial and errors?
What response did I get? I would like to share a very interesting anecdote. It was that time, like I had mentioned earlier, when I was really unhappy with my parenting skills. One such day, I went for a walk with Padmashree Mr.Balkrishna Doshi, a very well-known architect in Ahmedabad.
As we were walking, at one point, we happened to stand under a tree. During the course of our conversation, Mr.Doshi asked me to look up and tell him as to what I could see. The tree was bare. I replied that the tree had nothing and its story was over.
He said fine and that we would come back again. When we went there again after six months, I saw that the tree was full. It had leaves and flowers and was so full of life. Then, this is what he told me: ‘you, me and your child, we all, in fact everybody on this earth, is born whole like this tree. Whatever we need to be whole, we are born with it just like this tree. What you saw six months back was only a frame. Unfortunately, each of us is born whole but the vision is only of a single frame.’
The bottom line, therefore, is to have the patience to wait, to do what you are supposed to do and have faith. This is exactly what I learnt from most of the people I interviewed.
Most parents today are so driven to make their child an achiever. They put their children into extra-curricular activities and into a hundred tuition classes. It only means that somewhere you have lost the faith in the natural process of learning, the natural process of trial and error. It is important to understand that the child is going to try things and will eventually come back to what works…
How does a child learn to walk? How does he or she manage to learn and talk a whole new language? It is all about faith; it happens. But once children grow up, we start interfering too much with the learning process.
After interviewing these personalities for my book, what I understood was that in the end, it is about seeing the whole and not the single frame that one usually sees. The other important thing is having faith.
What does childhood mean in today’s world? How would you compare this with what childhood was say 20-30 years back?
I think childhood today is completely messed up. We are all about achievement, about goals, about performance. There is something called unstructured play where the child is out, just hanging around or running or doing nothing but sitting and staring. Today’s child hardly gets to do these things. The child’s schedule is packed and there is nothing unstructured about his or her life.
According to me, learning and joy are internal, something that has to come from within and it happens when everything is unstructured. There’s no denying the fact that you need tools to learn. But how much do we need these tools? Tools are just a part of the learning process. Unfortunately, the child’s entire day has become the tools.
The other big difference is that years back, there was not so much help available at home, there were not so many equipments, there were like five or six kids in a family, and the parents were not so driven to make every child an Einstein. Unfortunately, today’s parents have one or two children and the sort of competitive world that is played out by the media is so high. So much so that the moment a child is born, parents think that they have got to make him or her earn his or her living. With just one or two children, parents land up investing so much energy into parenting. Eventually, they end up not allowing the child to learn and think on its own. They begin doing everything for the child.
And that’s the basic problem as far as childhood today is concerned.
Exposure to information is tremendous today. Do you feel that it is more of a disadvantage than an advantage for children?
Information given to a child has to be an outcome of curiosity. But what’s happening today is whether you want to know or not, whether you are curious or not, the information is there. Now, what is the value of that information? To begin with, it is not whether information itself is wrong or right but whether it is following a child’s curiosity or not, which am afraid is not what is happening today. Parents only land up bombarding and filling up the child’s mind.
Let me give you a very small anecdote which is actually there in the book, ‘Roots and Wings’. It actually happened with my daughter. When my daughter was around 2.5 years, one day, we were standing in the veranda and a green parrot came and sat there. I saw that my daughter was looking at the parrot fascinated and was really observing the parrot very closely. But I started off with my lecturing. You know that bird is called a parrot and so on, and my child just turned her head and went away.
What I am trying to say is that children are naturally curious. They naturally want to know things. So parents should have the faith and patience to hold themselves back and wait for the child to ask. Let the child find out for himself or herself.
Do you think parenting today is a big challenge particularly with both parents working?
With both parents working parenting does become difficult. But again while writing this book, I interviewed many children. I asked them what their biggest fear was and what their biggest expectation was. I actually got this answer from a kid: ‘I really pray my mom gets a second kid, so that some of her energy from me takes off.’
What I would also say is that the parent of today tries too hard. Of course, it is a fact that today the world has become a more competitive place. I think as parents it is important that we know about multiple intelligence theory. Then we can do a reasonable job of bringing up children without trying too hard, even if we are working. Children may need a considerable amount of our time till five to six years, but once they are over six years old, they have so much to explore and find out on their own that they are OK with the parent not being around. In fact, if the parents are around at this age, they try to push the child to put the right piece into the puzzle!
After a point, when the child is capable enough of handling himself, it is best to leave him to be on his own and work out his rules and understand things for himself.
How do you think parents view competition today? Do you think parents go a little overboard and expect children to excel in whatever they do?
We have become helicopter parents. Everyone wants their child to be an achiever. As far as competition is concerned, I think if we bring a child into this world without understanding the multiple intelligence theory, we are doing a crime. Ultimately, I feel parenting today is not about the child but about the parents, it is not about the child’s fears but our fears…
I had done a workshop once for parents in which I asked the parents there as to how many of them were good in everything – academics, dance, and music and art. No hands went up. Then I asked how many of them expected their child to be good in everything; then all the hands went up!
Can you share some tips to make childhood enjoyable for children and parenting memorable for parents?
I think we must try and give our children whatever they are interested in – paints or crayons or whatever interests them plus lot of free time. Get them whatever you can afford – things which are hands on. Give your child lot of unstructured playtime to find out things himself or herself. Take them out with their friends, let them hang around in the park, let them find out what the world is all about. Get over the marks mania and at least till the eighth grade, let the child have a life!
Pic : atelier tee – http://www.flickr.com/photos/atelier_tee/
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