Is your Problem Bigger than Mine?

by Smruti Patil

[box]When someone close is going through a rough patch, one of the common ways that people express sympathy is by comparing the present situation to something that has happened in their own lives, observes Smruti Patil. She wonders why people do it and questions whether this is a good approach. Read on.[/box]

 

Sympathy can be expressed in different ways. The most common way of expressing sympathy is to change the distressed person’s state of negativity, even though one might not be in the same emotional plane as that person. What amazes me though is the way most of us conduct this ‘process’ of sympathising.

I have witnessed many conversations within my family and circle of friends when they are trying to console somebody. The oft-heard words in this context would be “It’s alright, forget it, whatever had to happen, has happened, probably there is something better in store,” or “Don’t worry, the problem is temporary, it is not in your hands to control everything” or something as diametrically opposite as “It is not your fault, forget it,” to the ”It was all your fault, now that you realise it, why not forget it and think of changing things?”. But the statement that attracts me most is “What has happened to you is really bad, but do you know this can still be better when compared to what happened to me (or someone close to me)?”

Even though it is a very common occurrence  I could not stop myself from dwelling further on this response. People first sympathize, and then slowly start talking of similar experiences.  They compare most aspects of the situation and forget that the person in front of them needs moral and emotional support. They forget that the person does not need similar disturbing stories and similar encounters that would further his or her agony. Instead of providing comfort, people tend to talk about how even they or someone they knew faced such difficult times earlier, or rather how they had “bigger” problems than what’s at hand now. Be it an argument-turned-fight with a friend, or a health issue with children, or even the amount of work piled up during some emergency at work, be it a major family crisis, or even a festival celebration gone awry, it has been common for some people to just grab the opportunity and start talking about themselves.

One funny and extreme state of affairs was when one of my friends, Alya, lost her grandmother. Having spent many of her childhood years with her grandma, she was very close to her. Her sudden demise sent Alya into a self-imposed loneliness. Along with another of my friends, Devina, I went to meet her. It had been two days since her grandmother’s passing, and Alya had not been eating. Devina was regarded as somebody with good people-skills.  After a little hint from her, we both reminisced some of the incidents Alya had shared with us about her grandma, and tried to make her know that we were with her in this hour of loss. Soon Devina went ahead and said “This is really bad that you haven’t eaten, Alya. Please eat, it will not help staying hungry. Yes, I do understand it is easier said than done. It is difficult to think of food right now. Have I told you what happened to my cousin when he lost his grandfather? He did not eat for an entire week and he had to be hospitalized. Imagine his condition then…” And though she kept talking for the next five minutes, I was totally taken back to my own little world where this statement of comparison always bothers me.

I did not know then if I had to be amused or should have been angry. While I was still thinking how to stop her, Alya’s mother luckily, entered the room and the conversation changed.

All these years I had only seen people do this, and it was not long before I found myself talking in a similar fashion.

One of my closest friends had the unfortunate event of a broken engagement and was full of sorrow and rage. I talked at length with her, trying to cheer her up, trying to make her see the positive side. I think I tried my best, and not realising how and when, I told her about my cousin who had to go through a similar situation when her engagement was called off. We both spent long hours talking and discussing each day. After a week’s time of much consoling and counseling, she finally admitted that she was feeling better.

I was extremely happy then, but the next day while I was thinking about her, I wondered why I had talked about my cousin. Why did my friend not object when I was sharing an equally sad incident? After much thought, I realised that while doing so, I was just trying to draw her attention to something else. Perhaps I was trying to tell her that she is not alone, there are others who are unknowingly sharing her pain, there have been others who have faced similar trying situations and have emerged successful in letting it go. I was just trying to tell her that she should take that inspiration from them, and forget the past. In doing so, I was also trying to make her problem seem a little less helpless, so that she could feel that she has the strength to move past it.

It then occurred to me that perhaps others too, use the same formula. Most often, people have this unique way of making us feel that the current issues we face might not be as large as they appear. They probably are trying to make us see others who have had similar complications, only to make us gather that courage.

True there might be few people who sometimes talk a little more than required, but such are very few I am sure. Others I think genuinely try to make circumstances better by drawing comparisons.

An odd way it is, I must say; it sometimes works, sometimes annoys, and sometimes is plain ignored.

So the next time you find yourself in the company of someone, who in the midst of consoling you, talks of other personal experiences, do not get miffed. It’s best to accept what you might need, what gives you that motivation and ignore the rest. Because surely we all do need somebody in that hour of need.

Smruti Patil works as an Integration Consultant and lives in California, U.S.

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