by Anupama Krishnakumar
[box]In notes to her fourteen-year-old self, thirty-year-old Anamika writes about the various shades of love that she has witnessed and the little lessons of life that she has learnt through the sixteen years. Anupama Krishnakumar tells you the story.[/box]Dear fourteen-year-old Anamika,
You are back from your tuitions and you are dreaming already, aren’t you? The boy with the jet black hair and shell glasses! You think he cast a sideward glance at you today, trying to look at you when he thought you weren’t looking. You weren’t looking, you say, but you knew it, you could feel the warmth of his gaze on you. ‘Trigonometry’, you just saw those letters on the board and then you kind of blanked out and you drifted into a world of clouds, an intoxicating orange and pink, golden birds flying with utmost grace – you dreamt sitting in the class, with eyes wide open. If only someone would pay you for the creativity in your dreams…you would have earned a fortune by now! You two sat on a cloud, didn’t you? You kept looking down and he kept looking at you. Shy you were, weren’t you sweetie?
You look forward to those one hour tuition sessions, don’t you? Just so that you could steal a glance at him and then dream the whole night about the most beautiful couple – you and that boy with jet black hair and shell glasses. Ah, but, how sad! Whenever you muster the courage to speak to him, you speak everything else; not what you dreamt you would tell him. You know – those three magic words, then holding hands, getting married, having babies and all that. Silly girl, you aren’t even sure how babies come about!
You will move on, girl! It isn’t long before you outgrow your “love” for him. One fine day, it will just vanish, when he stops coming to tuitions. You will long for him frantically for a week or two and then well, other things will take over. It’s after all your first crush experience! As long as the boy is around, the mind will spin oodles of dreamy love stories. You know it is somewhat like ‘the addiction You will hop along, singing, dreaming, and will soon meet that tall, intelligent guy in your second year of college. At the risk of sounding pompous, let me say something Anamika. You are a pretty girl, with lovely tresses and hazel brown eyes and a wheatish skin, not-too-tall nevertheless decently tall. By the time you meet this young man, you would have had three guys proposing to you already! But you just haven’t been impressed! Not till you have met him. He will catch you speaking to a common friend and then you two will get introduced. You will notice the twinkle in his eyes and turn blush red. He will ask you for a date and gladly will you agree!
Of course, the man will finally come down on his knees one day, gift a rose and recite a lovely poem that ends with “Will you be my girl?” and kiss your hand. You will get those goose bumps and that isn’t it! Be prepared to be shocked! For, a strange fear will overtake your being and while the dreamier side of you has been dreaming of losing yourself in a kiss, there you will be, unsure of what to tell, looking confused and saying, I need some more time! He will nod and say, I understand; but behind that, as if the expression he wore were a transparent veil, you would see a ripple of disturbance, or is that annoyance, a bruised ego?
That will be your transition stage, honey! You will still dream, but then you will be a little more ‘realistic’. Pardon the irony there, teen-me; but I earnestly hope you get me! You want to wait, know the guy more and you will give a thought to the fact that you should watch your step; but that really concludes the ‘realistic’ part of you. With matters of the heart, you can flip over so easily! Damn the age, dear, and your hormones! It’s like those gladiator fights in the arena! You so want to stay grounded but you also wish love would sweep you off your feet.
You will toss and turn in your bed that night and for a few nights following that.You will share your confusion with your friends your friends, including that geeky boy in your gang and seek help. The poor geeky fellow, you will only realize much later, would have through all those days set his heart on you. You will, without realizing, during many days, laugh at the guy’s lack of an enjoyable sense of humour and when you grow a little more mature, just smile over his clumsily planned surprise for your 20th birthday. Hear out dear, you would have already guessed what he would do for you and yet, you will pretend to be surprised! Only much later!
But, well before all that, that is when your practicality isn’t still at its best, you will think over the other man in your life, just as your friends will advise you to. Think over whether he is the right man for you. And you will hear that song, a song that you will always connect with him for many years to come. Then your dreams will come rushing – that perfectly poetic picture of love- a full moon, the corner of a dimly lit road, a stillness and silence that amplifies both of your restless breaths, a beautiful reluctance that fills the little space between the two of you, the longing of a lifetime for that one tender kiss.
“Want 2 meet u in the prk today. 6 pm?” you will text him, desperation marking every word and he will return a smiley. You will see him in the park with birds chirping and hurrying to their nests above you. You will realize that he is dying to reach out to your hand but he is still quiet and you will tell him, with a cool boldness, “I never said you should not hold my hand.”
I am sorry I will have to play spoilsport here, my little darling. Your fairy tale love affair will soon turn out to be a devil in disguise. In the matter of a year, that ‘deep love’ will turn to an obsession and your intelligent man will try to tweak you. Can’t digest, can you? Well, that’s the sort of man you will run into, sweetheart! It’s not love but suspicion and possessiveness, a hurting demand of commitment that will come most easily of him. You will try your best to save the relationship, try to make him understand. Time and experience would have by now, made you more practical. You will foresee that this is not the kind of love you want and you will call it quits.
But you are human, after all. You will turn morose, pale as a withering flower.One fine day, when you are sick and have grown as thin as a stick, your geeky friend will tell you, for the nth time, this isn’t the end. That you have a long way to go. A lost relationship isn’t all that there is to life and you will have to move on.
And you will. You will learn all love stories are not similar and not fairy-tale like. At least, yours isn’t. Life’s lessons are sometimes like swallowing a bitter pill; you don’t enjoy it, but in the end, you are cured, of meaningless fantasies and most importantly, of the terrible habit of longing for the ideal. That ugly mist that clouded your vision will slowly disappear. You will see a new side to love. Years down, you will also realize that true love ridden of expectations isn’t easy to find and when you find it there is no greater joy! You will realize, for, I did, after all these years!
Love,
Your thirty-year-old self
Pic : http://www.flickr.com/photos/whatmegsaid/
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