by Jayanth Samuel
There she was, in the cafeteria, sipping on her coffee while she waited for me. A smile danced on her lips; her eyes sparkled with zest – for life or for the coffee, I couldn’t tell. But what I can tell you is that she is perfect, a goddess who walks on earth. You might say, “Oh, come on, no human being is perfect,” and you would be wrong. She is. She isn’t too tall or too short; not too fair or too tan; her eyes are not too large or too small. Well, you get the idea. Not only that, she is honest and direct. Because she is an angel, she is incapable of lying.
I slid into the chair opposite hers. She looked at me and said, “What’s up, dude?”
Maybe those words sound casual but by this time, I knew that I had to look beyond words. In those three simple words, I could detect her deep concern and keen interest for my life.
And as if to prove me right, her next words were, “Are you not having anything?”
I told you: she had deep concern for me. You could just see concern oozing out of her.
Seeing my head shake a vigorous no to her question, she added, “I am not going to share my food with you,” and moved the plate of pani puris away from me.
Now, you may think that it was petty and mean-spirited. But I didn’t. I thought it was cute and endearing. I was proud that she felt comfortable in my company to do the rude and crude stuff.
And most of all, I felt proud of my ability to read between the lines. I had honed this skill over a period of six months, between lengthy chats and tiny cups of coffee. I could anticipate her every reaction. I could sense her every feeling. In fact, you can say I knew her better than she knew herself. That’s how good I was.
And most importantly, I knew it was time. You see, for months I had been vaguely flirting with her. It was part of my master plan – to prime her with subliminal messaging before this crucial moment.
But now it was time; time to floor the accelerator, time to roll the dice, it was indeed time to whip it out.
So, I squared my shoulders and asked, “Would you like to go out with me tonight?”
She looked at me for a full moment with wide eyes before her perfect cupid-bowed lips opened and sentences came tumbling out.
“I am flattered, but I can’t. It’s not you… it’s me.”
I looked into the lovely liquid eyes and instinctively knew that she was telling the truth. Oh no, this was not good. She thought that she had a problem… I had to help her get over it! I was her knight in shining armour. I had to vanquish this unseen foe that stood between me and my lady. And so started a new quest on finding this invisible but dangerous enemy.
Like a detective, I pored over every chat and every conversation I had with her. I looked for clues in her every gesture, tracked her every move and even eavesdropped on her typing rhythm. Sometimes, I had to take extreme measures like locking her in a meeting room and interrogating her for hours.
It had to be done because as we all know, only the results matter. At times, I got close to a breakthrough. In fact, I almost cracked the case when she said, in a high-pitched, panic-stricken voice, “Please, there are much better girls for you than me.”
But I calmed her down saying that I was perfectly happy to have her as my partner.
A few days went by and then I saw her with another guy. He was one of those biker-types, wearing a tight t-shirt; you know, the one who is tall, handsome with a tattoo and an ironic beard. She introduced him as Rakesh, a systems security expert whose passion was “photography”. She later recounted how when they met for the first time, they shared a moment and that now they are dating. She finished with “Let’s be friends.”
My world reeled and everything started spinning. Was Rakesh the invisible problem that I was trying to find? Was he the answer to my quest? I had to dig out the truth.
And so, I made my journey to the magical portal called Google. Sitting in the lotus position in front of my computer, I began, “Oh Google! What does a girl mean when she says ‘it’s not you, it’s me?’”
Google laughed and replied, “Well, it’s her ironic way of saying it is indeed you. Women use this line when they think it is too cruel to tell you the truth. Because the truth would be like kicking a puppy in the nuts.”
I was shocked, but not enough to stop. “Google, what does a girl mean when says I am flattered?”
Google replied, “Well, it means you have a snowball’s chance in hell to be with her. It’s her way of asking how can you even think you have a chance with me?”
I could sense a pattern emerging and it did not look good.
I took a deep breath and soldiered on, “Google, what does she mean when she says you can do better than me?”
Google shrugged, “It just means that you should try dating people at your own level.”
I broke down. Nothing she had said meant what she said. My head spun, I felt dizzy and nauseous. Would I ever come out of this zone where nothing made sense and yet, everything did?
I had one final question for Google. With a lot of hesitation, I asked, “Google, what does it mean when she says let’s be friends?”
Google smiled kindly and replied, “It means exactly what she says.”
I leaned back and let out a sigh of relief for I’d finally got it straight.
