The Wrong Burrow

by Harman Mavi

I

Oscar, the rabbit, stared at the gallows on a dreary morning in December. He did not want to die. He was just three years old and in the prime of his youth. So many years were being stolen from him. The sentence of death still stupefied him. It was supposed to be reserved for the gravest crimes in Riverland. He did not believe that he had committed any.

The judge, G.S., had disagreed. In section 377 of the Code, it was written: anyone who burrows against the course of nature must die. G.S. had ruled accordingly. In fact, he had volunteered to be the executioner. He gleefully measured the rope’s length to ensure that it was just right. If it was too long or too short, Oscar would steal a few more moments of life.

II

Once upon a time, Oscar used to live gaily in the green fields of Riverland. He spent his days hopping, humming, and playing hide-and-seek with his friends. And he loved to burrow. But he was different. Most of his friends would dig with their front legs; however, Oscar was a back-burrowist – he preferred to use his back legs.

But the world wanted conformity. Back-burrowing was done in relative secrecy: under bridges and in ruins. Most back-burrowists would feign digging with their front legs in public. Even Oscar had started frontally. He had married a doe and together they had dug a beautiful burrow with their front feet. They had two baby boys whom Oscar adored. Every evening, he would feed them carrots and read them bedtime tales.

But Oscar’s life lacked love. He loved his wife and children, of course. However, there is another sort of love – a shameless love; a love so intense that it consumes one’s soul. Oscar had never felt such love. Then, one spring day, while Oscar was strolling in the forest, he stumbled into Wood. As Oscar saw a drop of sweat trickle down Wood’s burrowing back legs, his world was undone. When Wood’s glance met Oscar’s, Wood instinctively knew that no flight, no bribe, no tact would be necessary. Oscar would be a comrade, not a tattletale. Similarly, Oscar felt as if he had found his soul mate.

A flash of lightning struck and, without a word, Oscar embraced Wood. Wood held Oscar’s paw and led him to a clearing with the softest soil that Oscar had ever felt. As Wood massaged his back legs, Oscar went wild with anticipation. Then, they begin to strike the malleable earth, again and again – piercing it further and further with their paws, until it gave way in a moment of pure delight.

 III

Oscar and Wood spent the next month seeking the most delicate delights in back-burrowing. Their back legs dug into sand and sod, gravel and grass, mud and mounds. They had started discretely; however, they became more and more reckless with time. They began to back-burrow in public parks, paths, and playgrounds. Inevitably, the police caught them and charged them under section 377 of the Code.

Oscar and Wood were sent to prison to await trial. When Oscar’s wife heard the news, she immediately filed for divorce. Oscar would never see his children again. Similarly, Wood’s father disowned him.

Oscar and Wood were kept in separate cells. They could not share their sorrows. Nonetheless, they both experienced the same arduous regime. For eight hours each day, they had to constantly run and turn a wheel. The wheel did not power any contraption; it was purely a punishment. Wood could not bear the pains of prison and passed away.

IV

Shortly after Wood’s death, Oscar’s trial began. Oscar entered the courtroom with a sliver of hope. He had read the law books in prison and found laws of greater authority than the Code. Defending himself, he argued:

My lord, I admit that I burrowed with my back legs. However, I did not defy nature’s course by doing so. There was something innate, something natural, within me that found back-burrowing pleasurable. Nature abounds with species that use their back legs for things other than walking or running: dogs scratch themselves with them, monkeys climb with them, and some human females even hang upside down from poles using them for support. To suggest that back-burrowing is unnatural is absurd.

On the other hand, if it is unnatural, why is undoing nature’s course a crime? Nature is impatient. It throws dogs, cats, and foxes our way and tries to hasten our death. We strain our necks to avoid the dangers that nature creates for us. Nature is unkind. It gives us hail, thunder, and fire and makes life generally unpleasant for us. We defy it whenever we burrow, whether with our front or back legs, and seek comfort.

The 1^st Article of the Leporid Constitution guarantees equal treatment for all rabbits and hares. To murder a rabbit just because he likes to dig differently defies the 1^st Article and is, consequently, unconstitutional.

The puritans were in charge of the prosecution. The puritans were split between three congregations: the cow, the cross, and the crescent moon. There was significant strife and ill-will among the congregations. Each found divinity in a different object and found the others’ gods absurd. Nonetheless, in all matters restricting leporid freedom, they were generally consistent.

S.K., the lawyer for the cow congregation, commenced the prosecutorial argument:

My lord, the divinity of the bovine is a matter beyond doubt. However, cows are violent gods. In a moment, they may step on us and take our lives away.  We pray to appease them, to allay them. When we dig, we bow our heads in submission to them so that, if they see us, they will see our humility and spare our lives. However, back-burrowists are reckless. They hold their heads up when they dig. Moreover, they cannot see where the specks of dust that they dig up will land. What if they accidentally stain a cow’s sacred skin? We must destroy back-burrowists or risk the wrath of our bovine deities. The defendant, Oscar, admits having back-burrowed. Therefore, in accordance with s. 377 of the Code, he must die.

V.G., the lawyer for the cross congregation, added:

My lord, the divinity of the bovine is doubtful. However, the veracity of the words of our holy book, Criss Cross, is indisputable. It says “you shall not dig with your back legs as you do with your front.” Accordingly, back-burrowing is a sin and the state is right to condemn it. The defendant, Oscar, admits the crime but does not see the need to seek forgiveness. Accordingly, he must die.

H.A., the lawyer for the crescent moon congregation, concluded:

We do not believe in the divinity of the bovine or the words of Criss Cross. The only god is the crescent moon and Bugs Bunny is his prophet. In honour of our god, the prophet used to make burrows shaped like the crescent moon. Moreover, he used to angle these burrows just right so that the crescent moon would be visible from the interior thereof. We follow his example and hold the manner of burrowing sacred. However, back-burrowists reduce this sacred activity to one of pure pleasure. We take offence to their joy. Accordingly, they must die.

Having heard the arguments, the judge, G.S., made the following order:

Although none of the prosecutorial arguments were really on point, I nevertheless find them convincing. Section 377 of the Code states that anyone who burrows against the course of nature must die. The defendant admitted being a back-burrowist; however, he argued that back-burrowing was natural and offered a few cross-species examples. But fact, freedom, or the experiences of other species cannot bind this court. When it comes to burrowing, this court has already decided what the order of nature should be. Burrowing is a sacred activity and must only be done with one’s front legs. All those who burrow using their back legs, mouth, nose, or tail offend the course of nature.

The defendant alternatively pointed to the impatience and unkindliness of nature and argued that its course not be judicially upheld. However, nature, as referenced in section 377 of the Code, does not mean the crude nature of predators and thunderstorms. The codified nature is an ideal, almost platonic, form of nature. The populace cannot understand its meaning. Judges make its content concrete on a case-by-case basis in accordance with their principles and prejudices. Given its sanctimonious roots, I must uphold the course of the codified “nature.”

Furthermore, the 1^st Article of the Leporid Constitution cannot save the defendant in the circumstances. It only provides for equal treatment of rabbits and hares. Therefore, the state cannot discriminate between rabbits and hares merely on grounds of species. However, the Leporid Constitution permits all other grounds of discrimination. For example, the state may segregate hairless hares from the general population in order to fulfill its aesthetic or alliterative aspirations.

Finally, the courts only need to enforce the Leporid Constitution to protect the rights of the powerful. Back-burrowists are a miniscule minority in Riverland and we may conveniently ignore their needs. If they cry, we will not hear them. If they bleed, we will not heal them. If they die, we will not mourn them.

Given the aforesaid reasons, I find the defendant guilty and sentence him to death.

As the judge, G.S., left the courtroom, Oscar stared at the bench in shock. He could say nothing more. His fate was sealed. Before he had time to absorb his fate, he was wrenched from the pillory and thrown back into prison. In the meantime, the congregations celebrated their victory. The cross congregates played tic-tac-toe for forty days. The crescent moon congregates prayed seven times that day, twice more often than their usual five. The cow congregates sang a popular hymn, “Moo! Moo!”, all night long. Oscar could hear them from prison; however, he could not respond.

V

“God! If you exist, save me!” pleaded Oscar as the noose gripped his neck. No one answered; no one undid the knot. Not even a breeze came to comfort him. The trapdoor opened and Oscar plunged. The noose jerked, breaking his neck and severing the spinal cord. A few moments later, G.S. pronounced him dead.

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