1. What prompted IHM to discuss issues concerning women?
Women’s issues are everybody’s issues. A society cannot be considered civilized if it sees injustice and inequality as a normal part of existence for 50% of its population.
Feminism is not men versus women.
The issues that harm women also affect men; for example, sex selection results in skewed gender ratio; domestic violence leads to unhappy childhood for male children too; street sexual harassment or ‘eve teasing’ causes constant worrying about female family members, having to escort them or worse, being killed while objecting to ‘eve teasing’; obsession with a woman’s personal and sexual life and honor killings lead to destroyed families, and male members get killed too; dowry and sexual crimes against women affect entire families, male members included.
2. I like how a lot of your discussion revolves around women from urban, educated families – almost debunking the myth that life for women in cities is significantly different and much better than of those in rural areas. What are your thoughts?
The problems Indian women face are basically the same. They are generally less welcome than male children. They have little choice or control over their own lives. Their education and self-reliance is seldom a priority, and even when it is taken seriously, they are expected to be ready to give up years of hard work if their relationships require that.
They are raised to believe their goal in life is to ‘Get Married and Stay Married’ (or die trying). They have little choice in who they marry, but they are expected to make these marriages work, with or without their partners’ support.
They are given no choice in whether or not they wish to live with their spouse’s parents. Once married, lack of freedom, restrictions in visiting their own families, control or interference in how they dress, whether or not they work, when they have their children (and when they must abort a fetus), what time they go to bed and wake up, are trivialized as ‘family matters’. Most women are advised to ‘please adjust.’
A reader once asked me what I thought of the joint family system. She was the only child of her parents. The couple chose to live in their own house instead of living with the husband’s family. They felt this way the parents of both the partners could visit them. Her question made me realise that in most parts of India we have this system that makes the birth of half the population unwelcome – and yet we support it because we believe it ensures care for senior citizens. Does this mean we don’t count the parents of female citizens amongst senior citizens?
3. How relevant is feminism in India today?
Feminism is good for the entire society. Children should grow up in an environment where women and men are equally respected and where injustice is not encouraged in the guise of customs or traditions. A huge number of the social problems we face today are directly related to gender discrimination.
For example, crimes against women are not taken as seriously as they should be. If women were valued in their homes, sexual crimes like rape and child abuse would not go unreported. A family member would then become more important than a neighbour’s opinion. We would then redefine ‘respect’ and include women’s self-respect in it and take away from it the concept of ‘family honour’.
Feminism is simply the acknowledgment that human rights include women’s rights.
The fact is men benefit from feminism as much as women do. Patriarchy controls the lives of men too (specially younger men). While self-reliance is preferable for everyone, society would benefit from men having a choice in being the default breadwinners. Feminism also means fathers being allowed to be more than sperm donors and having the right to bond with their children, and getting paid paternity leave.
4. It appears that the Indian urban society has progressed in giving women access to basic necessities such as education or access to healthcare. But in terms of mindset and allowing women to make informed choices, it’s still a far cry. In the name of ‘tradition’, are we deliberately keeping women from progress? Countries such as Japan have managed to maintain their tradition but their women still have the ability to make choices freely. What’s holding us back?
I don’t think we are deliberately keeping women from progress; most families would love to see their female members do well, so long as they are ready to come home and cook, clean and make endless cups of tea for the family. If only 50% of the population is expected to ‘balance’ home and family life, the ‘balance’ is impossible. The other 50% is discouraged from pitching in mainly because we are afraid of change. Equality for all is also seen as loss of privileges for some; those who protest don’t realise these changes benefit their future generations too.
At times we seem to put tradition and custom above common sense. We also see customs being used to control the lives of other equal citizens.
I think women who do have support do very well today. Support here might mean as little as acknowledging that they are equal and deserve the same opportunities anybody else does.
5. It’s a shame that we in India had to invent the term ‘eve teasing’. Where does change have to start to abolish this embarrassing ‘culture’?
Gender bias in Indian homes doesn’t only mean better health care and education for a male child. Gender bias also means that the problems a less valued child faces are not taken seriously.
When street sexual harassment becomes difficult to ignore, the society turns to the victims and tells them to watch when, where, how and with whom they go out, or worse, they are made to stay indoors.
Men and women who see women being treated like second-class citizens in their own homes or surroundings are more likely to allow harassment of women on the streets.
Unfortunately, some of those who do fight ‘eve teasing’ have ‘honour’ of the girl, and not her safety, in mind.
One also hears of ignorance and personal prejudice undoing of a lot of good work. A college principal tried to ban jeans for female students to control ‘eve teasing’. Here the college seemed to sympathize with the harassers. Maybe they saw the eve teasers as victims of ‘provocation by jeans-clad women’. This was like telling these men that it was okay to harass a girl who is not behaving the way the ‘society’ expects her to.
6. How should relationships between a man and the women in his family – mother, wife, sister, daughter – evolve for the society to mature?
Women as mothers have the power to change the way they are seen by the society. Little boys and girls should see their mothers as adults who can take decisions and who are respected by their families. Little boys should not see themselves as protectors of their mothers and sisters. Raksha Bandhan too, should be seen as a way to celebrate sibling bonding.
Young boys should not see their sisters as ‘paraya dhan’ or ever-sacrificing angels. They should be given the opportunity to recognize that little girls are just like all other children, needing love, guidance, respect and being valued for who they are, with no special expectations of ‘honourable’ behaviour (i.e. total obedience) from them. Respect for women would come naturally then.
Families, where all the children have equal rights and responsibilities, are happier families. Such families would take as much pride in a happily-married son as most Indian families take in happily-married daughters. They would see their daughters–in-law as family members, not as caregivers for their old age. Such families would expect all their children to be there for them, and would accept that their daughter–in-law has responsibilities towards her own parents and family. We know such families do exist, but still, many would see this as sacrilege.
Today, even if a woman’s parents worked as hard as her husband’s parents to get her good education, custom forbids them from living with her. This is made almost impossible when she lives in a joint family. This is a major reason for preference of male children.
Women have more say in their own lives in nuclear families. A daughter living in her own house also means that the parents from both the sides can visit them, and if required her parents can move-in to live with their child too. This change is necessary for Indian parents to stop seeing their daughters as liabilities.
No amount of moralising has or can ever change the male child obsession in India. Seeing all their children as assets is only possible when parents are not expected to disown some of them.
7. A country’s progress is inextricably linked to the socio-economic status of its women. What are the pressing issues India has to deal with to make meaningful progress?
A shift of emphasis for women from getting married to being self-reliant is one thing that can and is helping change attitudes. I have seen educated daughters of my domestic helpers refusing proposals suggested by parents in favour of someone they have met at their work place. Of course, self-reliance doesn’t automatically change mindset (that would take generations), but a girl who is economically independent is less likely to submit to societal or family pressures because she does have that option.
Once getting married stops being the only goal in her life, a woman will have the option of refusing a marriage proposal if there is a dowry-demand. She would also be able to think twice before agreeing to marry a man who does not approve of her supporting her parents.
For parents, equal property rights for sons and daughters becomes easier to accept (or ‘digest’) when all their children can be relied upon in their old age. When all the children are seen as assets, parents are likely to take a girl child’s health, safety and general well-being as seriously as that of their other children.
It all begins at home – the society and the country are made up of families, and if families value their female members, so would the nation.
Some of the changes that can help a female citizen towards this much needed self-reliance are as simple as providing toilets for girls in all schools.
8. Finally, any other thoughts you’d like to share with our readers? 🙂
I believe change is possible if each one of us starts acknowledging that change is needed. Once the mindset changes, everything else becomes easier. If a woman is truly convinced that a daughter is as much a blessing as a son, it is difficult to persuade her to abort a female baby. Similarly, a woman who realises that whether or not she earns, she is an equal family member, is difficult to bully. Strong, empowered mothers make for a better society.
I like the way some festivals are changing: Karvachauth has become more like an Indian Valentine’s Day with couples fasting together for each other’s long life, instead of the wife fasting for the husband’s long life.
These little changes are an indication of a more equal, and a more humane society in the coming decades.
Read IHM’s blog at http://indianhomemaker.wordpress.com/
click here to read other interviews in this feature.
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