by Shilpa Gupte
Shilpa Gupte discusses her experiences and their role in how she understands commitment in a relationship.
Last evening, as I sat in my tiny kitchen balcony admiring the vividness of the evening sky, something in the far distance caught my eye. I reside on the 11th floor and at this vantage point have a bird’s eye view of the entire neighbourhood. So, from my balcony, I saw in the distance a young woman – her bright, pink gown billowing around her – sauntering down a muddy path amid a patch of farmland; her arms locked with those of a young man who was suitably attired in formal trousers and a jacket. The couple was accompanied by two young men, who would walk in the distance, click pictures, and join the couple, who would then huddle together to take a look at whatever the youths shared with them.
I realized it was a pre-wedding photoshoot in progress. It looked like the couple was capturing some romantic moments – of how they met, fell in love, proposed to each other, and the days in the lead-up to holy matrimony – and sharing these with the world on their respective social media channels. We come across scores of such pictures these days, shot in, at times, exotic locations, and at times, apparently picturesque locales – such as my neighbourhood farmland close to which runs a gutter, but which is camouflaged by trees and shrubs, making it appear “picturesque” in the photographs!
As I observed the couple striking cutesy poses for the photographers, I marvelled at the ability of the institution called marriage to bring two people together and take them on a joyride, teaching them so much about life and about each other.
Pre-wedding photo shoots may have upped the glamour quotient on weddings that are already more opulent than before, but in my mind, the questions about marriage – once weddings are done – remain as fresh as they were when I got married. How well will a couple survive the unpredictable journey of life? Will they realise that life is not all glamour and style, but also days full of tumult and chaos that can find the best of us in a state of bewilderment? And how will they learn to live a life along with each other?
Marriage, as my mother explained to me when I was to get married more than twenty years ago, means staying committed to the relationship. It means looking after your partner, caring for each other after all the hoopla around the wedding has died down and when the everyday life comes into the spotlight.
Marriage means deciding to stay on even when you realize that the prince you married – or, the princess – is just an ordinary Jack, or Jane! Marriage is what begins when the colours of the henna have faded away, the costly sarees and sherwanis have been stowed away along with mothballs into trunks, and the relaxation of the honeymoon finishes; it is what happens when you get on with the mundaneness and challenges that define life and live with it, and go through them with each other to the extent possible.
Commitment means different things for every individual at different points in time in their marriage. In my case, my idea of commitment was really tested when my husband suffered from a massive episode of Bipolar Disorder four years into our marriage. It was while dropping me home from the hospital one day that my father gently encouraged me to stand by my husband through this difficult situation; maybe he foresaw that there would be days I would want to call it quits. His words reminded me of the panditji who solemnized our marriage. While we went around the holy fire, he said that my husband and I had now vowed to be by each other’s side, through thick and thin, in sickness and in health. We vowed to not bicker over how loudly he snored, or how often I coughed and sneezed, but to look after each other, and care for each other during the worst of our days, because that, he said, defined a marriage.
Caring for a sick partner puts immense pressure on the caregiving partner. In my case, it took a toll on my mental health too. There were people at the hospital – the nurses, and others – who tch-tched about how I would now have to live with “this stress” for the rest of my life. I had friends, too, asking if I had given separation a thought. But that’s when I remembered my father-in-law, who had kept his word and cared for my mother-in-law – a patient of schizophrenia – till his last breath. I could try my best to care for my partner, who was a gem of a person going through a really difficult moment in his life. And what if it had been me in my partner’s place? How would I have dealt with life knowing that my partner deserted me precisely when I needed him the most?
Yes, there were – and still are – times when the pressure gets too much to bear. And the thought of leaving it all and going someplace far away beckons to me, entices me. But it’s the thought of caring for a man, who, in turn, cares for me a whole lot more, who encourages me to follow my passion and finds pleasure in my happiness, that diverts my train of thought and helps me understand what it is that I need to focus on more. The happy days seem outnumbered by the difficult ones; the goodness of his heart outshines the moodiness and the crankiness that’s characteristic of Bipolar Disorder, and I am reminded of the words, ‘In sickness and in health, till death do us part.’
Life is a tough journey – that would be an understatement. Having been through some really tough times and coming out of it all a stronger person, I have realized that staying committed, to not only my partner, but also to myself and my beliefs, has helped me come this far. It does get tough dealing with the storms, sometimes, but it’s during the peaceful moments that I find the strength from the man who himself has been a huge inspiration for me. Maybe that’s why I have been able to face it all. That’s what’s kept me committed.
Living with people teaches you a lot about dealing with life. You learn it from your parents, your friends, your partner. I owe my lessons in commitment to my partner, as living with him taught me to stay true to my marriage vows. Spending time with my father-in-law taught me to face it all, whatever life brings my way.
Life is what we all make of it. Along the way, we learn to live with the people we meet, understand their take on life (even if contrary to ours), are by their side when things don’t go according to plan, and decide to go through it all, hand in hand. We may not know it, but it’s this “going through it all hand in hand” that could actually mean being committed, isn’t it?
Shilpa Gupte is a wellness blogger and an artist. She shares recipes for fitness and good health on her blog – Metanoia – and finds comfort amongst words in the books she reads and the essays she writes. Her pet parrots keep her company and inspire her to look at life from a completely different angle.
